. [Home]
[Club
Interests] [Club Runs]
[Photo
Album ] [Favorite
Links] [Committee_Members]
[For
Sale] [Calendar]
[Club
News & Gossip] [Moped Racing]
[The
Rest Room]
This page is dedicated to the amusing
stories and jokes that crop up from time to time which members want to share.
Thanks must go to friends that have
sent most of the recent additions to this page, particularly John Smith of
Haydock who has been sending them to me for months. More recently Alan
Rigby of Rainford has been a contributor. Heaven knows where they come from but
they have to be shared.
Please submit
to
wmcc13@blueyonder.co.uk
Sex
After Death
Tickle me Elmo
Priests
Holy
Prostitutes
Blond Irishmen?
The
Polo Test
Trust
Your Father
Doctors
Putting
Your Affairs In Order
Perils Of Cosmetic Surgery
Is Daddy's Car In The Woods
The Lone Ranger Caught
A Fisherman's Tale
Another Blond Joke
The
Aussie Drink Driver
Its Dark In Here
Check The Terms First
Coming In To Land
Condoms
Billy
Fascinating
Tesco
Top 8 Morons of 2007
God
and the Scientist
Menopause
Jewellery
Heaven or Hell
The New Supermarket
A Love Story
Why Men Are Never Depressed
Life Explained
Senior Dating
A Doctor Joke
Tarzan & Jane
Best
Scottish Joke
Nick the Dragon Slayer
Asylum Seeker
Paddy's Slippers
The Fly's Tale
The Tax Inspector
The Escaped Prisoner
How to Ruin The Family Photo
Sex
After Death
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come
back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact,
'Judy ..Judy!'
'Is that you, Steve?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast
and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the
warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch
(you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course,
then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper,
it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much
needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in
Arizona.'
TOP
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a
factory in Manchester which makes the 'Tickle Me Elmo' toys. The toy laughs
when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at the 'Tickle Me Elmo' factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The
Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The
Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march
down to the factory floor.
When
they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over
the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena
.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think
you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'.
TOP
Priests
Two priests are in a Vatican
bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's
penis and notices
there's a Nicobate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I
believe you're
supposed to put that patch on your arm or
shoulder, not
your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just
fine. I'm down
to two butts a day.'
*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO
HELL!!!! *
TOP
Holy
Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out
of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a
third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side
of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door
reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a lo ng
black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly
doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages
and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the
large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door
pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in
the pa r king lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
TOP
Blond Irishmen?
Two
Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, (looking up.)
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the f-'n height of his
flagpole, but we don't have a f-'n ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and
laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the f-'n height __ and she gives us the f-'n length.'
The
Polo Test
A
college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year
schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to
identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green..........lime,'
'Orange........orange.'
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few
moments none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes
call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!'
Trust
Your Father
I
took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager
sitting next to him.
The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My
dad kept staring at him.
The
teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When
the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man,
never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing
my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;
knowing he would have a good one.
And
in classic style he did not bat an eyelid as he replied: 'Got drunk once and
f****d a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
Doctors
An
Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a
kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half
a
heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in
two weeks.'
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out
of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for
work within twenty-four hours
TOP
Putting
Your Affairs In Order
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting
room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's
head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were
feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They
were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious
as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS.'
The
woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'
Perils Of Cosmetic
Surgery
A
54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While
on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time
up?'
God said, 'No, you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon
recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even
had someone come in and change
her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since
she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.
After
her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way
home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving
in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another
43 years? Why didn't you pull me
from out of the path of the ambulance?'
God
replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.
TOP
Is
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by
the school Playground and go into the woods. Curious, he
followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself; as he
ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then
Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting
story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look
on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the
Army.'
Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
The Lone Ranger Caught
The
Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I
will grant you three requests.
What
is your first request?"
The Lone
Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief
nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear
and the horse gallops away.
Later
that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As
the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends
the night.
The next
morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will
still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The
Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he
again whispers in the horse's ear.
As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later
that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.
The
following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I still
kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The
Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief
is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once
they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in
the eye and says,
"Listen
very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE".
TOP
A
Fisherman's Tale
Two
men are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod
and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, 'That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you.'
The first guy responds, 'Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was
married to her for 40 years.'
TOP
Another Blond Joke
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by
mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
>>
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde joke?'
>>
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell
that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if
I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
TOP
The
Aussie Drink Driver (True Story)
Drink
Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant!
Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
From the state where drink driving is considered a sport,
comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local
neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer
noticed a man
leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely
walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes,
with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity and
trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to
find his car,
which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a
number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the
car, switched
the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night),flicked the indicators on, then
off, tooted the horn and then switched
on the
lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and
then remained
stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive
slowly down
the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up the patrol car, put on the
flashing
lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a
breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of
the man's
intoxication.
The police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany
me to the
Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.
TOP
Its Dark In Here
A
woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them,and hides in the bedroom
cupboard to watch.
The
woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
there already.
The
little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
A
few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard
together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, 'How much?' !
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A
few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football,
let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball
and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell
them for?'
Boy -'£1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church to make a confession.'
They
go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession box
and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that crap
again. You're in my cupboard now'
TOP
Check The Terms First
Two
couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the
table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his
head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and
asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't,
Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m sharp - and
after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed
their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife:
'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give
you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came
by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by
our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
TOP
Coming In To Land
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on
the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our
final descent into Tampa.
I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay
in the Tampa Bay area".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard
saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in
Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into
the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the
huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my
room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long. "
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately
begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out
who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is
so embarrassed that she starts running
toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she
goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear.
He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first."
TOP
Condoms
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it
started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her
cigarette, and continued smoking.
Annie: 'What's that?'
Molly: 'It's called a condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.'
Annie: 'Where did you get it?'
Molly: 'You can get them at any chemist.'
Annie: 'What's it called again?'
Molly: 'It's called a condom.'
The next day, Annie hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to
the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The bloke, obviously embarrassed, looks at her very strangely (she is, after
all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she
prefers.
Annie: 'Doesn't matter young man, as long as it fits a Camel.'
TOP
Billy
A woman walks into the Wigan welfare office, trailed
by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yes they are all mine," the flustered Platt Bridge woman sighs,
having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Billy."
All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign
up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Billy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Billy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
oldest four, all boys, all named Billy.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named
Billie!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are
they ALL named Billy?"
Their Mum replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Billy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Billy!' and' they all come running.'
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into Plank Lane, I just yell 'Billy'
and all of them stop.
It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all
Billy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and
says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and
not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."
TOP
Fascinating
A grade school teacher asked her students to use the
word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we
all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate,
not fascinating' .
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was
fascinated.
' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned
by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so
she called on him.
Little Johnny said, 'My Aunt Margaret has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
TOP
Tesco
Being a retired engineer and a courteous one at that,
I approached a younger woman inside Tesco,s while doing some Christmas
shopping..
'Excuse me,' I said. I can't seem to find my wife. Can I talk to you for a
couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for this old looking fellow, said, 'Sure,
do you know where your wife might be?'
I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she
usually appears out of nowhere.
TOP
TOP
8 MORONS OF 2007
1. WILL
THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2.
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM
OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had
barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line,
shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3.
WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him
to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4.THE
GETAWAY! A
man walked into a Topeka Kansas Kiwi Stop and asked for all the money in the
cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk
and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and
grabbed him.
5.
DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the
lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6.
ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted.
"This is her husband!"
7.
NOT THE SHARPEST
TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of
America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(Hellooooooo)!
8.
THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat,
going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much
power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they
putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them
what was wrong. A thorough to pside check revealed everything in perfect
working condition: The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down and
the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys
jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he
was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS
TRUE.
Under the boat,
still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
TOP
God and
the Scientist
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, 'Lord, we
don't need you anymore. Science
has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning.'
'Oh, is that so? Tell me...' replies God.
'Well',says the scientist, 'we can take dirt and form it into the likeness
of you
and breathe life into it, thus creating man.'
'Well, that's interesting. Show Me.'
So the scientist bends down to the earth
and starts to mold the soil.
'Oh no, no, no...' interrupts God,
'Get your own dirt.'
TOP
Menopause Jewellery
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a bloody big red mark on his
forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
The End.
TOP
Heaven or Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources
Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by
St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though, it seems we have a problem.
You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.
What we're going to do is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven",
said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a
beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that
she had worked with.
They were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they
talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and
lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had
a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook
her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I
think I had a better time in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate
wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club.
We ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and
all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and said...
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, Today you are an employee "
Sound familiar ???
TOP
The New Supermarket
A new
supermarket has opened near my house.
It has an
automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before
it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass
the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown
hay.
In the meat
department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you
approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled
with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features
the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy
toilet paper there any more.
TOP
A Love Story
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep
end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news."
"The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."
"The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"
TOP
Why Men Are Never Depressed
Men Are
Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last
name stays put.
The
garage is all yours.
Wedding
plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate
is just another snack.
You can
be President.
You can
never be pregnant.
You can
wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can
wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car
mechanics tell you the truth
The world is your urinal.
You never
have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is disgusting.
You don't
have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same
work, more pay.
Wrinkles
add character.
Wedding
dress £5000. Tux rental-£100
People
never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes
don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood
all the time.
Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know
stuff about tanks.
A
five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can
open all your own jars.
You get
extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If
someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your
underwear is £5.95 for a three-pack.
Three
pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You
almost never have strap problems in public.
You are
unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything
on your face stays its original colour.
The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only
have to shave your face and neck.
You can
play with toys all your life.
Your
belly usually hides your big hips.
One
wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can
wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can
"do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can
do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder
men are happier.
TOP
Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by
the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years,
and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten
like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For
this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty, and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep,play, marry,
and enjoy your life For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey
gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the
sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grand-children.
And for the last ten years, we bark at everyone that comes to the door.
Life has now been explained to you...
TOP
Senior Dating
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows,
are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went
out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him
before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me
such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a
luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he
takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert,
and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell
you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me
two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
TOP
A Doctor Joke
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "You've caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or
something and discussed the problem further with Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited
several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
TOP
Tarzan & Jane
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during
her questions about his life; she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how
to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here" she said,
pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped
closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed "What did you do that
for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
TOP
Best
Scottish Joke
A guy walks into a Glasgow library
and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of
her glasses, and says,
"Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back!"
Nick the Dragon Slayer
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous
breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be
death should he try to touch them. The king was a very jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician,
who was the king's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could
arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him
1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily
agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a
litt le bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed,
the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the royal
chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and
queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type
of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer
would work as the cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then
slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he
quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left
satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1, 000 gold coins. With his obsession now
satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that
Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh
just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the king's underwear . The king immediately summoned Nick the Dragon
Slayer...
TOP
Asylum Seeker
An asylum seeker was at the side of the road eating grass.
A car stops and the driver says " Don't do that come home with me"
The asylum seeker says " I have 4 wives and 12 kids. Can they come
too?"
The driver says " F***k off! It's only a small lawn.
Paddys Slippers
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me
slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters
sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
TOP
The Fly's Tale
This is a story about a Fly, a Fish, a Bear, a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story ...... but maybe not the one you may expect, so
read on!
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a river.
The hot, dry fly said (to no one in particular), 'Gosh, if I go down three
inches, I will feel the mist from the water, and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking, 'Gosh ... if that fly goes down three
inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking, 'Gosh ... if that fly goes down three
inches, that fish will jump for the fly ... and I will grab the fish!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank preparing to eat a cheese
sandwich ....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for
it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish, I'll shoot the
bear, and have a proper lunch!'
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but there's
more .
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly,
and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear . and
drop his cheese sandwich!'
A cat lurking in the bushes looked around and thought, 'Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly,
and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and that
mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch!'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling
mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly ...
The bear grabs the fish .
The hunter shoots the bear ...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich ...
The cat jumps for the mouse ...
The mouse ducks....
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story????
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy's gonna be in serious
danger.
That's just the way it is ....
TOP
The Tax Inspector
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and
said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the
candledrippings?'
'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a
practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these biscuit Purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap
him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.' 'I
see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi', he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the
foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a
complete dick.
TOP
The Escaped Prisoner
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in
bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then
goes up into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an
escaped convict, look at his clothes ! He probably spent lots of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in years .. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he
wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too
!!"
How to Ruin The Family Photo
TOP
