Westhoughton Motor Cycle Club

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This page is dedicated to the amusing stories and jokes that crop up from time to time which members want to share.

Is Your Dad Home

New Terror Alerts

The Bagpiper

A New Sex Study

How to Give Your Pet A Pill

The Awesome Power Of A Wife's Love

Another Blond Joke

Elderly Drivers

Taliban

Hill Billy Divorce

Marriage Guidance

Special Ethel

Always Ask Questions

Chinese VD

Tiffany's

Widdle Wabbits

The Annual Golf Trip

A Social Disease

The Madam

Paddy's Fingers

The Lawyer and the Cop

Carmen

Jane and Arlene

The Scouser And The Gay Man

The  Philosophy of Ambiguity

Is Your Dad Home?

An old farmer got in his van and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

“Is your Dad home”? the farmer asked.

“Sorry sir, he isn’t” the boy replied

“He went into town”

Well, said the farmer "Is your mum here”?

“No, sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad”.

“How about your brother, Greg?. Is he here?"

“He went with Mum and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

“Is there anything I can do for you”? the boy asked politely.

“I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one."

"Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad”.

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “ I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy considered for a moment.

“You would have to talk to Dad about that,” he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges £200 for the bull and £150 for the pig, but I don’t know much he gets for Greg.”

TOP

New Terror Alerts

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist  threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
 warning level was during the great fire of London in1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason
 they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

 Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new warships ready to deploy. These beautifully designed ships have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to
gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain,
"Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level......

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The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.  I finally arrived an hour late....and saw the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. 

There were only the diggers and crew left.... and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down.  The vault lid was already in place.  I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep.  They wept;  I wept; we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I  opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say................... 

"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before....

and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.."

New Sex Study

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

How to give a cat a pill

1.     Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

  14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters!

 How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon. 

2. Toss it in the air.

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The Awesome Power Of A Wife's Love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven.

There, spread out up on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

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Another Blond Joke

During a recent corporate computer password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyParis

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Elderly Drivers

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway he floored it to
120mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the motorway, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 150mph, then 160, then 180mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side
of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm going away for the weekend. If you can give me a reason
why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were
bringing her back."

The policeman replied "Have a good day, Sir," 

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Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding  through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

 Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object,  only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

 The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

 The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water.    Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5.'

 The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an  over-priced tie. I need  water!   I should kill you, but I must find water first!

 'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter  that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me..  I will show you that I am bigger than 
that.   If you continue over that hill to the east for about  two miles, you will  find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold  water you need. Shalom.'

 Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.  Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

 'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'

Hill Billy Dayvorce

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" 

The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" 

The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres" 

The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? 

The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays." 

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" 

The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere. 

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" 

The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere" 

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" 

The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" 

The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

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Marriage Guidance

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her
part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that weneeded.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about
the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or
so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I
generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out all the time is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I
hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know
she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for
her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, don't we, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and
just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women
get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely,
Jeff

EDITOR'S
NOTE:

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Callaway
extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying
nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting
her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

TOP

Special Ethel

Special Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.?
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.?
One day Special Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Kerry stepped out with her arm outstretched.

'STOP!,' she shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Special Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to her. 'OK' she said, and away Special Ethel sped down the hall.?
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP!?

Have you got proof of insurance?' Special Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
 As Special Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand..

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Special Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

TOP

Always Ask Questions 

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. 

He asked the guy,"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600
in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.
Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Chinese VD

While  in China , a man is sexually promiscuous  and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week  after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to  find his  penis  covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this  before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and  the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted  Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost  unheard of here, we know very little about  it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well,  give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The  doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to  have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his  penis and  proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.  'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man  replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks.   Faw off by itself!' 

TOP

Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't
pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir,
what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

Widdel Wabbits

 A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

 "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

 As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

 "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

 She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

 "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

TOP

Ron and his buddies were hanging out and planning their annual 7-day golf trip to Myrtle Beach in the Fall.  Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him.

    After a lot of teasing and name calling, Ron headed home totally frustrated. In October when Ron's buddies arrived at the golf resort, they were shocked to see Ron sitting in the lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter!

    "How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Ron?"

    "I didn't have to," Ron replied.  "Last I night I slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise.'  When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM !"

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen"..

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.


'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Paddy's Fingers 
 
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,  'Lets be avin' DA fingers and I'll  see what OI can do'.

Paddy said,  'Oi haven't got DA fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got DA fingers?   Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring DA fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,
 
 'How DA fock was I 'spose to pick them up????

A Manchester lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from MANCHESTER and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

Manchester  Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign..'

Manchester  Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

Manchester  Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

Manchester  Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The Manchester  Lawyer exits his vehicle. 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, ’Hello.
My name is Carmen.'

'That's a beautiful name' he replied. 'Is it a family name?'

'No' she replied. 'Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the  things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose ’Carmen’.

'What's your name?'

He answered, 'B.J. Titsengolf.

Jane and Arlene 

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink And a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. 

Arlene : What in the hell is that? 
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. 
Arlene : Where did you get it? 
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore. 


The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. 

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.. 
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' 

The pharmacist fainted.

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool   Sat a scouser.  He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.  

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.  

Leaning over towards him, he whispered,  "Do you want a blow job?"  

At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and  smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool.  He proceeded to  beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.  

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said,  "I've never seen you react like that.  What did he say to you?"  

 "I don't know,"  the Scouser replied.  "Something about a job."

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DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS - AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

I ASKED THE BOOKSTORE SALESWOMAN "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"  SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL? 

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS - ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

WHY ARE THEY CALLED HEMORRHOIDS INSTEAD OF ASTEROIDS?

IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE FOUR TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?